How to Handle Your Inner Critic

We all have an inner critic (yep, even the most confident and self-assured among us). It's part of being human - part of having the wonderful gift and curse of having brains and language that allow us to assess our behavior and find opportunities for improvement and growth. It's part of the tendency towards having a "negativity bias" that is our brain looking out for "bad stuff" in order to protect us. It's part of the human drive to not let well enough alone - which has driven scientific and technological and social advances for sure, but can get kinda tiring too. And among so many other things that feed this voice may be the collective internalized voices of parents, teachers, bosses and ourselves who have wanted better for and from us. Some may have gone overboard on that and confused criticism with support or love, and some may have lost sight of the fact that no human is infallible.

And that's the problem with our inner critical voice - it goes overboard, and in the case of depression and anxiety, it really crosses the line. It doesn't feel very good, so we struggle and fight with it and try to shut it up, and maybe we even give up and believe it, and - yeah - you get the point. So how do you handle your inner critic? I'd be very rich if I had a tidy little answer to that question that would magically make your inner critic move out of your head and take up residence on some forgotten and miserable deserted island somewhere.

The closest thing there is to a tidy little answer (and believe me practicing this is not tidy or easy) is that it doesn't work to just try to shut your critic up. You know this because you've tried, right? They usually just get louder and more insistent, just like I might if you tried to tell me to shut up.

So if they aren't going to move out anytime soon, and they aren't going to just suddenly shut up or start telling us on rapid repeat how amazingly wonderful we are, how can we perhaps begin to change our relationship with the inner critic roommate in our head? To kick off what will probably be many other future blog posts to help answer this question with tools and practices that can help, I want to share this lovely Facebook post by Sharon Salzberg, a pioneer in the field of meditation and a renowned meditation teacher. I love her post because it has such an element of fun in it that reminds me to lighten up when I start to take the stuff my inner critic says way too seriously.

One of the things Sharon says we should do is give our inner critic a name. I call mine the "itty-bitty-shitty-committee". What will you name yours? I hope you enjoy her post below:

And in case you can't access the facebook post, here's the transcription of Sharon's post:

When students ask me how to handle their inner critic, I often suggest, "Make her a nice cup of tea and suggest she take a nap. She's tired, and it's been a long day. Going over and over those negative thoughts must be exhausting. She's beginning to repeat herself, a sure sign she needs a rest."

This gentle approach to the critic immediately diminishes her power. Does this mean that you are going to forever silence your negative thoughts? No, that's not likely, but you are going to be able to deal with them differently.

When you lull the inner critic into taking a nap, you're in charge – not her. You might still feel some anxiety arising and be stung by her critical voice, but you won't be tensing for a fight. You will strengthen your trust that you can learn from your mistakes and start over. This helps to convey a sense of peace or wholeness despite imperfection.

Another useful technique is to give the inner critic a persona--a name and perhaps a wardrobe. I named my own inner critic Lucy after a Peanuts cartoon I saw years ago. Lucy was telling Charlie Brown, "The problem with you is that you're you." Ah, yes.

That Lucy-dominant voice had been so strong in my early life. Through meditation practice, I've learned to respond with "Hi, Lucy" or "Chill out, Lucy." This way, I avoid overreacting ("You're right, Lucy, I'm worthless," or, "Oh my God, I've been meditating for so long, I've spent so much money on therapy--how appalling that she's still here!") Instead, I give Lucy a nice cup of tea, and she just sits there calmly.

I told that story to a group I was teaching, and a man responded that he'd adopted a similar technique through work in Al-Anon. He'd personified his inner critic as a punk rocker, a character he wouldn't take so seriously. Another man told me his inner critic was a forbidding judge in full regalia.

Have some fun with this! See your inner critic as a crabby old relative comes for a visit. Sigh at his antics, or settle her down with tea and spend a moment wishing that they themselves were more able to enjoy their life.