Litter in the Grass
Earlier this week I was walking across the street from my office to a dental clinic to get my teeth cleaned. It was early morning, and I was enjoying the fresh, cool air. As I crossed the street I noticed the smell of newly mown hay and was momentarily transported back to the fields and farms of my youth and filled with a sense of connection and peace. I inhaled deeply and savored the smell for a moment, looking for its source. A small patch of once tall and unruly grass on the side of the road had been mowed to create better visibility for motorists.
As I got closer, though, I saw that the mowing had revealed plastic soda cups and aluminum cans that had been hidden in the tall grass. Immediately I thought, "Dammit, why do people have to litter? People are so careless!" and anger rose within me. In five seconds or less, I went from joyfully inhaling the fresh smell of newly mown grass to berating all of humanity for being litterers!
Some days I might have "gotten hooked" by these thoughts and carried this anger with me throughout the day. Certainly, even this momentary flash of anger drew me away from my enjoyment of the smell of the mown grass and the peaceful morning. Fortunately, on this day I was able to pause and take a momentary step back, observing my mind doing its thing. And by this simple act of getting into the moment, I entered the "magic" place where I had a choice about where to place my attention - on the smell of the grass or on the litter therein.
While I certainly don't like the fact that some people litter, I reminded myself that other people's behavior is out of my control. What I could control was my response to the litter. Did I want to allow anger over something that I couldn't change to derail my enjoyment of my morning walk or set me up for a grumpy day? I knew I needed to be grounded and empathetic with my clients later in the day, and getting down on humanity first thing in the morning certainly wasn't the path there. I took a deep breath and focused my attention once again on the lovely smell, inhaled deeply, and continued on my way.
The "Choice Point"
I tell this story because it is a simple illustration of a concept that my clients often find useful - the "Choice Point." In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), the Choice Point happens when we step out of "automatic pilot" into the present moment – the only time when we can make a choice. The Choice Point is where we harness the power to make an intentional choice to behave in a way that takes us in the direction of what we value - toward the life we want and the person we want to be, rather than away from that. When we access the Choice Point, we can “respond” to our thoughts, emotions, and circumstances, rather than “react”.
Do I always get to this seemingly magical place called the Choice Point? Heck no. This takes a whole lot of practice to overcome auto-pilot through present-moment awareness, or what is often called “mindfulness.” While this type of awareness is not easy to achieve in our complex, fast-paced world, contacting the present moment more often is both possible and powerful. The ability to pause and take a step back to notice what is going on in the moment helps us not only miss less of life but also to make more intentional choices about how we live that life.
Choosing where we put our attention and making thoughtful decisions about how we behave can come in handy in so many ways, not only in reducing stress and supporting positivity, as my litter-in-the-grass experience did. The Choice Point also might provide more options in a heated argument with a loved one when we are about to say something hurtful, or when we notice that we are avoiding doing something that would ultimately be good for us but is uncomfortable or hard in the moment.
One important clarification is that this practice isn’t about never getting mad or sad, stopping difficult thoughts and feelings, or turning away from things that are hard. In the case of the litter in the grass, I could choose between being angry over something out of my control or focusing on what I was doing. However, if I had instead just gotten some bad news about a loved one, allowing myself to feel all of those difficult feelings at the moment would have been very appropriate, and choosing to switch my attention to a lovely smell might have, instead, been an attempt to avoid that grief. Contacting the present moment (and the Choice Point) simply allows us the flexibility to respond to each situation differently depending on the context.
The Practice
If you'd like to harness the power of the Choice Point in your life, here are some approaches that you can practice:
Pause: When big (and often uncomfortable) feelings or thoughts show up, or you find yourself about to do or say something based on these thoughts and feelings, simply take a moment to pause.
Notice: Notice what is coming up for you - what thoughts are going through your head? What emotions are showing up? What body sensations are present? What were you about to do or say?
Acknowledge and Allow: Observe these experiences with curiosity and simply acknowledge them and allow them to be - without judging them or yourself, without trying to stop the thoughts or feelings or control them. You might also name them in a way that gives you a little distance from them. In the example above, I said to myself, “Oh, I’m experiencing some anger right now” rather than “I’m so angry!”
Unhook/Connect with Values: Ask yourself if getting hooked by (or all caught up in) your thoughts and feelings takes you toward or away from the person you want to be, the relationships you want, or the life you want to create (your values).
If it takes you "towards" your values, then embrace and engage if you wish. For instance, if you are feeling grief, allowing yourself to feel that normal pain of life can take you towards having a full and rich life.
If it takes you "away" from what you value, then you can choose to put your attention elsewhere.
Take Action (or Not): Decide whether or not to take any action on the feelings or thoughts you have noticed. Ask yourself if there is anything you can do about the situation or your thoughts and feelings right now, and whether that action takes you towards or away from your values.
If there is something that is within your power to do, you can decide whether to do it or not. For instance, I could have picked up the trash, but I didn’t because I was on my way to an appointment.
If there isn’t anything that you can do about the situation, this becomes an opportunity to practice “radical acceptance” and simply allow it to be the way it is. Acceptance isn’t condoning something; it is simply not struggling with something that is out of your control. For example, I have come to accept that there will always be people who litter, but while I still don't like it, spending my day stewing about this fact of life isn’t very useful. What is useful is that I do have control over my own behavior, and I can choose not to litter.
Remember that this is a life-long practice, and sometimes you'll simply be human and get swept away by your thoughts and feelings and react rather than respond. Just notice, and keep practicing.
Want to Learn More?
If you want to learn more about the Choice Point, and other approaches, tools, and practices of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), check out Russ Harris’ book, The Happiness Trap https://a.co/d/5Pk7BU7
These podcasts are also a great way to learn more about ACT: https://www.oneyoufeed.net/russ-harris-part-1/
Feel free to email me at admin@linwildercounseling.com to learn more about how I help my clients address depression, anxiety, trauma and other challenges using ACT and a variety of other approaches and tools.
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